Please stop asking me when I'm going back to teaching... or if I miss it... or if I'm just taking a break... or if I'd ever consider it... please just stop.
It's now been a full year and I've finally been able to articulate why I really left.
If I don't really know you I'll tell you that I left because of the lack of support. From the parents, from the administrators, and from the community, hell even from the government. Any good support from anywhere was canceled out by the ever mounting demands of being a teacher. You will never have enough, do enough or be enough as a teacher and I was done.
If I know you a little better than most I'll tell you I also left because of the violence. The last 6 months of teaching I saw an alarming amount of violence between students and it impacted me on a whole new level. I want to start a family. I was afraid of getting hurt. The level of violence I was seeing I was genuinely afraid to be pregnant around these students. I gaslit myself into thinking it was normal for far too long. Violence is never normal. It should never be tolerated the way it is in our schools.
What I haven't told too many people is the greatest reason I left was because of my mental health. The stress from all of the above was debilitating. I held it together during the day but I'd unravel in my sleep. I would wake up at 2-3am with a severe sense of dread and fear with a heavy chest. It felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. A few of those nights towards the end I'd wake up sobbing and then cry myself back to sleep at 3am. I was literally having panic attacks in my sleep because I would refuse to deal with the stress while awake. The body keeps the score alright.
In my last year and a half or so of teaching I really tried everything to stick with it and push through. At points I was so heavily medicated on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs that I would sleep 14-16 hours a day. On the weekends all I did was sleep. I was hospitalized for my mental health (the panic attacks got real scary and started happening during the day, at school), I was then in counseling 1-2 times a week, and was spending a small fortune on counseling, copays, and the medications themselves. I gained 40 pounds because all I did other than teach and coach was sleep and eat... when I couldn't fit into my wedding dress 3 months before my wedding I knew I had to leave. I had to choose me. I had to choose my future.
I've been doing a good deal of healing since leaving teaching. I'm enjoying exploring my identity and doing things for me for the first time. The panic attacks have stopped and my mental health is stable. I am off all medications and I'm in counseling bi-weekly. My mental and physical health improved because I left teaching. It's as simple as that.
So when you ask if I'm coming back I know it's out of compassion. It's of course flattering, but I just dont think those asking really know how sick I was because of teaching amd coaching. I just feel an intense amount of shame though when Im asked why. That I couldnt figure it out... You all know I loved teaching and coaching. They didn't love me though. It was clearly toxic. No amount of boundaries or self care could ever be enough. So please stop asking. While I left teaching I will always be a teacher and will forever be proud of the impact I made in the short period of time I was there.
Are you a Teacher that has also left the classroom?
0%Yes
0%No
I've been enjoying the humbling experience of not tying my identity and my worth to my job and uncovering it from within. Learing that a job can just be a job that funds your passion. I haven't figured out what my passion is yet, but that's been the best part of all of this. No idea what I'm gonna do tomorrow, but it's exciting and if it was anything like my teaching career I'll be sure to make a positive impact. My only goal is that whatever I do it also has a positive impact on not just the world - but also me.
Thanks for reading!
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